‘I went to see 50 Shades of Grey last week’ was never a sentence I wanted to even whisper, let alone announce to the general public. The whole concept of an abusive relationship, BDSM or not, makes my skin crawl.
Nonetheless I went, for free, and sat for two and a half hours in a fit to burst cinema watching some of the most awkward sex scenes I had ever seen in my life.
I was surrounded by a drunken hen party who ooh’d and ahh’d at Jamie Dornan’s naked body every five seconds and even I felt uncomfortable seeing teenagers squirm in their seats next to their wide-eyed parents as Mr. Grey summoned his ‘Submissive’ to do his willing.
I write this opinion pushing aside the domestic violence and appalling acting to concentrate on the bare bones of the film. Without beating around the bush, it is woman friendly porn fit for cinema.
Women read the awfully illiterate books on their Kindles as they went to work and now they can watch the equally in your face film on their iPads as men look on wondering why they get sneered at for reading Nuts on the tube.
The sexiest thing about the film was the music and even that was overshadowed by the cheesy one-liners and incessantly awkward moans of Dakota Johnson as Grey barely touched her. Even writing this makes me feel uncomfortable; nobody should have to endure that piece of cinematic drivel and have to relive it through words.
Oh wait; thousands of people did just that and dragged their partners in to learn new tricks for their late night bedroom antics.
Don’t worry though; there are still two more books to be turned into cinematic monstrosities for your viewing pleasure.